I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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