I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
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Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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