you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
