Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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