im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
