just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
