oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
