Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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