I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
