it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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