Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
