Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
as a side note pls kill me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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