The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
