My friends, they love my intelligence
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
