I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
