i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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