We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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