You're my little dorito
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
