Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.