Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
