i permit you to call me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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