I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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