JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
