you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
