I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
