sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
