Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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