i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical