i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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