I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
