grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
