Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
