You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
