I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
