dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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