I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
