Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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