Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What drink are we having for lunch?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
