Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
