We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
