Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I want to walk on stilts...naked
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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