im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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