Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
