I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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