dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
