Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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