I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
