They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
