I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My ATM looks so different sober.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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