Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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