if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
