Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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