there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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