I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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