i just sent this text using only my big toe
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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